After a phone conversation, I just want to put this on here to gather my thoughts. So I can mention it and try to put it behind me.
I don’t often do phone calls. Every time I do, I’m left with the same feelings of inadequacy. No matter how much mental preparation I do for them.
This could be talking with a friend, or it could be talking to someone on a company phone line. (I prefer online chat)
My problem is, I plan, I talk and when I talk my brain is already searching for the next thing to say and I’m never even sure if I’m making sense to myself. It’s all to do with the organisation of speech and thought. It just breaks down.
And I’m certain it shows in my voice. Whatever the equivalent of a poker face for your voice is… I don’t have a very good one.
I can do all the planning I want for how a conversation is going to go. Then the conversation happens and it’s like the longer a sentence goes on, the more it sounds like “word salad”, the more the pressure cooker inside my head goes on. It feels like an ever-increasing sense of self-consciousness growing like a wave from the throw of a stone. (“Shut up, Jonnie… are you even making sense”).
To that end I seldom choose the right words. It’s hard to structure sentences properly in a way that is coherent because all those things are going through my mind.
Yes it’s a self-confidence thing. But it is down to the Dyspraxia… particularly the part about the difficulty organising speech and language and thought. It;s a real thing and it can be debilitating.
So when that happens it’s not easy to not be hard on myself.
So I’m very sorry if you’ve ever had a conversation with me and struggled to get any sense out of me. (I have understanding friends who are kind to me). These are things beyond my control but can still leave me feeling low about myself.
Anyway thanks for reading. 🙂