I have known for a long time that I am different from most other people. But I haven’t always known why and how to cope with it.
A long time ago now, when I was still a small child, at Infant school I would be taken aside from the rest of the class for extra reading or other curricular things. This wasn’t a punishment or a sideline for being disruptive but something that I take to be a measure from a supportive infant school of a child on a statement of special educational needs. (SEN)
The reading topic was Humpty Dumpty. My helper, Miss Jones was her name) would read a line to prompt me, which I would then have to repeat, looking carefully to make sure I was getting the words right.
We got all the way to “All the King’s Horses and All the Kings men”. And suddently everything stopped
Now come on, Jonnie, this is very simple. Read this. (I’m paraphrasing that last bit)
It says, “All the kings horses and all the kings men.
“All the kings horses and all the kings men…”
“All the kings horses and all the kings men…” she almost shrieked.
I knew what I had to do.
I’m not quite sure to this day what made me unable to. It wasn’t that I was trying to be rebellious and not do what I was asked. All I remember was the teacher getting increasingly agitated the longer I didn’t do it and I just froze and barely responded.
But something in my brain stopped me from taking the action. It was almost like my head just gave up and shut down from being forced to do any work at all, even something as simple as reading a line from a book.
This is a moment that has stayed with me to this very day.
I think I still get elements of this where I’m quite happy just to sit and not think about anything because this way, it is less taxing on my brain which has a million other things, small things to think about each day. It is at a moment where Dyspraxia is in action. The neurons, the chemical messages in the brain are not being properly sent.
If I can think to myself “I can do that a little later”, I feel like my brain is giving me the thumbs up and I feel better about things.
Back in those days and throughout secondary school, I had no word for my learning difficulties. I’m not sure how widely known it was back then. Yes I was on a Statement of Education Needs up to the end of secondary school but I had no way back then of knowing how to say, “I’m struggling with this”. I mean, all I was doing was reading from a simple book. And I knew how to read. I just wasn’t able to do it.
A similar “brainfart” that happened to me once was when, believe it or not, I had a moment, about a minute or 2, that I basically forgot how to write. The information; the recall of how to do the actions was just gone.
How do you sit there in a class, put your hand up and say, “Please miss, I’ve forgotten how to write”. I ended up making an attempt on my own and worked out I’d written the letter “e” backwards.
It was a bizarre moment that only lasted a couple of minutes tops, but those sorts of things happened to me from time to time with no real label apart from the fact I was clearly a special needs child to go on!
When a Dyspraxic “episode” happens, it looks like someone isn’t really trying, and maybe sometimes people will play up out of frustration but an increased awareness to support and understand people who are undergoing similar experiences can only be a good thing.
All we ask for is a little more time to get things right and where needed reasonable adjustments for us to succeed.
At some point I’ll rewrite this blog I’m linking to for this website, but right now I don’t have the time. So please head on over to this blog I made back in 2016 about the importance of having patience and understanding for people who have Dyspraxia. 🙂
Below is a selection of the things I have achieved in my life. I dug out my School National Record of Achievement (I am of that generation) and for some reason, I felt the need to list it all.
GCSE’s: Passed them all. 3 Ds. 2 Fs 3 E’s… a double (EE) for Science and C English Aural – All triumphs for someone who family were told would not cope at all with secondary education.
A weeks work experience at Langley Hardware, October 1998
Computer Literacy in Information Technology (C.L.A.I.T.) Stage 1 September 1999
Various Key Skills awards 2000-2001 for Maths, English and IT
Basic Health and Safety Certificate – October 2001
BT Intermediate Award – Tourist Guiding – May 2002
GNVQ Leisure and Tourism (C) – 2000
AVCE Travel and Tourism (EE) – 2002
BTEC Intermediate Award – Tourism Guiding
AVCE Information Communications Technology – (BC) – 2004 – I achieved my first A Grades in education.
European Computer Drivers License – 2004
A+ Computer Maintenance and Installation (although I never actually completed the exam. There was a fee incurred when we were promised none)
Higher National Diploma Computing (IT) – 2008 (during which I had to overcome a setback of failing my first attempt)
Bachelor of Arts (2nd Class Honours Web and Multimedia Design – 2011
Clean Driving License
Self Employed Business that I have run now for nearly 9 years.
But what’s the point of this list?
I’ve achieved a lot of things in my life. Early on very much against the odds
Things such as certificates and awards in some things that I’ll never have use for. Certificates for things I have long since left behind and I’m pretty sure some can no longer be used and are for reminders only. But some that have helped get me to where I am today.
I just think that sometimes I can feel pretty useless with all the battles I go through on a daily basis with Dyspraxia etc. It’s an illusion.
Our achievements are unique to all of us and I just hope that this post will serve as a reminder to give myself and others hope/cause to think that if someone with learning needs can do all of this then you can achieve your goals too.
This will be yet another iteration of this particular blog entry in aid of this year’s Dyspraxia Awareness Week. It’s day 2 and I thought since it’s had positive feedback in the past I thought I’d use it to finally kick off this website as it has gotten me positive feedback in the past.
I’ve tried to get a Dyspraxia blog going before and I’ll be doing so again here in this dedicated website for Dyspraxia. You see, I’m also a web designer and I designed this website in WordPress with my own custom WordPress theme.
Another website for Dyspraxia awareness cannot be a bad thing! 🙂
What is Dyspraxia?
I often tell people about the fact I have Dyspraxia and how it affects me in daily life. Mostly, I laugh it off and tell people it just makes me clumsy. I bump into objects, walls and sometimes, I have to admit, people.
Sometimes well-meaning people say to me “Oh I do this all the time too, it’s not a Dyspraxia thing” which may well have a ring of truth to it. It also may well be true that I’m seeking a tiny bit of reassurance from my sharing about Dyspraxia but above all else, my goal is just to raise awareness; to give people a window as to what it is like to be me.
I become forgetful. My brain shuts down, at times mid flow and I can lose my mojo mid task at any given moment and my movements are uncoordinated and at times forced.
Has anyone ever walked into a room to do something and by the time they get there, completely forget what they went into that room for? We all do that, but I suspect me more than most.
Has anyone ever made that awkward and annoying Freudian slip where you know exactly what you want to say but before you know it; before you can stop it; something completely different comes out of your mouth. We all do that, but I suspect me more than most.
Has anyone ever faced the scorn of their peers because their performance in sport is just not up to scratch with the rest because their reactions and coordination are just not the same. We all have at times I suppose but I suspect me more than most.
But it turns out none of it was actually my fault. There was a reason for my differences. There was a reason for my difficulties.
In the spring of 1999, I was finally given a name for all my problems and developmental struggles as a young lad. We traveled up to Edinburgh to the Institute for Neurophysiological Psychology (INPP) where my needs were assessed and at that point, I was introduced to Dyspraxia
The problem is, I am so Dyspraxic I often forget (At this point I’m aware I keep referring to forgetfulness – Dyspraxia is not all about that) how to describe this learning difficulty.
This is the website for the Dyspraxia Foundation, and this is what the website says about what Dyspraxia is.
Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD), also known as dyspraxia, is a common disorder affecting fine and/or gross motor coordination in children and adults. DCD is formally recognised by international organisations including the World Health Organisation. DCD is distinct from other motor disorders such as cerebral palsy and stroke, and occurs across the range of intellectual abilities. Individuals may vary in how their difficulties present: these may change over time depending on environmental demands and life experiences, and will persist into adulthood.
It could manifest itself as one or some of a range of physical and mental difficulties but really it affects pretty much everything I do. It affects everything about who I am; how I am; how I present myself; how I do simple tasks, how I move is affected by a disruption of chemical messages, the way the brain transmits information. It results in an extra difficulty in performing tasks.
Because of this, how I do anything is outwardly chaotic, almost like I see the world in an uncoordinated way and can’t see the order in things around me. My brain is so filled with all sorts of thoughts; clutter; daydreams; that annoying song I can’t get out of my head, all of which I have to cope with but can’t seem to put order to.
Symptoms of Dyspraxia
People with Dyspraxia can suffer from problems with the following:
Clumsy movement and gait
Reading and spelling
Handwriting
Speech and Language
Perception and thought.
All of which I can attest I’ve had problems with as I was growing up. So there we have it. Dyspraxia, quite simply is an immaturity of the way the brain organises information.
All of which I can attest I’ve had problems with as I was growing up. So there we have it. Dyspraxia, quite simply is an immaturity of the way the brain organises information.
How badly Dyspraxic am I?
Dyspraxia can affect people in different ways. No two Dyspraxia sufferers are the same and it exists on a spectrum.
When I was growing up, I always seemed to think of myself as “less” than everyone else. I had a smaller circle of friends than most of my peers, I always had a helper with me in junior school and in some cases secondary school to help with certain lessons and tasks and later on, I did my exams in a separate room from the main hall.
You see from an early age, I was on a Statement of Education Needs and later on, I learned that from a baby, I was predicted as having very little chance of coping with mainstream education. Sounds like to me I was a write off from the word go.
This next section of this post is not scientific. I went through a lot of scientific tests in my visits to the INPP but I thought I’d measure what affects me most with my Dyspraxia. I suspect different dyspraxics struggle with different things more than others.
Most of what the Dyspraxia Foundation says about being a dyspraxic infant rings true to me. I was hesitant; timid; quiet and closed. Most of my drawing and art work was clumsy. I had to think hard to produce any kind of neat handwriting rather than having it develop naturally. I had poor hand grip and even as a young lad I wasn’t a particularly sociable boy, choosing to stick to a small group of preferred friends. In fact, I got the sense that I wasn’t much liked by too many of the other children.
But I’ve long since made it to adulthood, I haven’t gone back to INPP for some time, our treatments were private and not on the NHS so we had to pay for it. The Dyspraxia Foundationlists the common difficulties that people face. You can find the specifics on the link below but I want to go through each group of symptoms and reflect on how I’m affected by each.
Gross motor co-ordination skills (large movements):
I do have poor balance and I can easily get very tired. As a Dyspraxic person, I am not a very good sleeper and if I am not careful I do show poor posture and clumsy movement.
Physical activity such as gymnastics and dancing were and are always difficult but I am better at team sports were controlled movement is not quite so important.
Sadly one of the most noticeable aspects of Dyspraxia, the tendency of bumping into objects, of this I am a repeat offender and I often have the bruises to show for it.
Fine motor co-ordination skills (small movements):
Technology and Art were never my favourite subjects at school. Over time and into adulthood I’d say I’ve grown to have more confidence in things like woodwork, making art, and even some cooking but I used to dread them at school.
I always felt like I had to conform and be as good as everyone else at what I did when I never really had a hope of achieving the same standard. It was a kind of pressure that often got the better of me.
I had little grasp, physically and mentally with some tasks and whenever I could get away with it I preferred to just get on quietly and even at times, do as little as possible.
I was notorious at School for not being able to do my own shoelaces. We tried all sorts of things to get around this. Each of which brought me all sorts of scorn from my peers for turning up with footwear that dared to be far too different from everyone else.
I will never forget the laughter and fingerpointing from the rest of the children one break time when instead of “tieable” laces like everyone else I dared to turn up with adaptive “nontieable” laces that appeared as a kind of coil. I solved one problem by not having to tie shoelaces but the bullying I received because of them was another problem altogether.
Peopled asked questions but even I could see that it was not sincere. By the time I’d mastered the technique for shoelace tying I had either left school or was close to leaving.
Poorly established hand dominance:
When it comes to writing, my hand dominance has always been left. I’m a lefty 🙂
I’ve always considered myself to be left-handed. There aren’t too many of us lefties out there but I’m one of them. I write exclusively with my left hand. I type with both (I love typing), operate my phone with either hand, holding it in the other and operate the computer mouse exclusively with my right.
Going back to my writing though it is definitely better on my left but as I found out later, my Dyspraxia is the main reason my writing never really developed to be neater.
Speech and language:
I certainly do have problems repeating myself in speech or text. I think this is out of social anxiety and a result of my cluttered brain. When talking, I find the brain process of thought and translating to speech can just shut down on me leading to situations of half words, Freudian slips to absolutely no speech at all. Or sometimes I’m even blocked from saying what I want to say, leading me to feel shy and awkward. This can all happen very suddenly and at any time.
After my earliest years, and I think before Junior school, I got rid of my stammer but I’ve always had some difficulty getting to know how to pronounce new words depending on how difficult those words are. So I can be very choosy about when I bother to speak or add to a discussion praying that none of this comes back to haunt me.
Eye movements:
When I first made this post, I neglected to mention that I am cross-eyed and have been for as long as I can remember. I’m okay with these and in control, particularly when reading. It all just depends on how focused and alert I am, but I don’t consider this to be one of my biggest problems.
Perception (interpretation of the different senses):
Notwithstanding what I’ve said in the above paragraph, my vision is fine… But the perception is perhaps a little low. I know what is in front of me and what is around me but I think the problem is it takes me that fraction longer to process it all.
I’m not over-sensitive to light, or at least I don’t think I am.
I’ve never admitted this to anybody in my life, but I do have a particular disliking for being touched. In particular, being poked unexpectedly. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I’m fine with gestures like hugs and handshakes as these are anticipated and expected but any unexpected sense of touch, my body does not like.
I’m sensitive and always have been to tactile experiences like taste; which is another way of saying I’m a hopelessly fussy eater.
I sometimes find myself hearing things. Things that make me jump a bit and look around. I’m tricked into thinking I’ve heard things that I haven’t. I put this down to my chaotic and over-active brain making me feel like I’m experiencing things that simply aren’t happening.
Learning, thought and memory:
I’ve touched on this already but I have an awful lot of difficulty in clearing my mind and organising my thoughts. I don’t even know what this means. I think that it means I have a lack of focus and can be erratic and messy about things and I have a nervous and closed complexion.
My other big problem with this is the inability to remember instructions. A couple of years ago I was in Sunderland to meet my sister and her family for my Birthday. I made sure I remembered the post code to her house for her sat nav because even as she was telling me the directions to her house I knew I was taking 0% of it in.
At school, when I had lists of things to do and remmember my heart just sank. I was expected to do and remember it all at times with no written note to fall back on.
At year 7 at the very beginning of the year, I remember there was a note on the wall of the Art classroom with a long list that said “What you should be able to do by the end of year 9”. I never did manage to be able to do any of those things and it had an effect on me throughout my school life. The idea that by not being able to do these things I had failed to be as good as my peers.
Emotion and behaviour:
First of all I want to apologise for all the many times I have in the past and all the times in the future I will lose concentration and drift off into a daydream when I should otherwise be listening to someone. I can’t help it. My mind wanders. I daydream and it’s by no means a reflection on the person who is speaking.
I can sometimes lose sense of self and interrupt people at the wrong times and it showed at times in my young life.
I remember once at school my teacher was telling us about the work we were about to do in an IT lesson. Quite suddenly I thought it would be a good idea to enquire about something he had said that I wasn’t sure about.
Not to the teacher but to my friend sitting next to me. It was quite innocent and school related but obviously not the best time to do it. I stopped when I noticed he looked awkwardly up the teacher. I did the same. The teacher was aghast. I felt quite silly and was suddenly was very quiet. But still, I made it out of that room alive. So sometimes I can lack tact and interrupt. I can also repeat myself. Have I mentioned repeating already? 😉
I do consider myself to have “good days” and “bad days” with my Dyspraxia but generally life is a struggle every day.
Emotions as a result of difficulties experienced:
I try to be a positive person. I have Dyspraxia and that is part of what makes me the person that I am today. But it can often get me down. I sometimes wonder why I have to have this condition. Why I can’t be more like other people and be more “normal”.
So I can get down and frustrated and can sometimes think of myself as in some way inferior to other people. I know this is not the case and part of making this post is because I want others like me to know this too.
Each and every person on this planet is unique and Dyspraxia needn’t be a barrier to you.
I know this has been a particularly long post and if you’ve made it to the end, my congratulations to you
I just wanted to write and explain from my own mind and heart how I think my Dyspraxia affects me most. I hope this post offers some encouragement if your own Dyspraxia gets you down. And that you, like me sometimes feel the weight of the world. And also by doing so, maybe you’ll come to know me a little better as a result.
